Who farted on the Nets’ bench?

, on April 3, 2014 , 3:00PM

 

From the human bean who brought you “Did Mason Plumlee have a giant hickey last night?” comes another very important question that needs an answer — who farted on the Nets’ bench?

 

To begin, we’ll need to rule out the guys we know it can’t be. And since we can clearly see the time remaining, play-by-play data allows us eliminate the following Nets:

 

– Jason Collins
– Marquis Teague
– Jorge Gutierrez
– Mirza Teletovic
– Alan Anderson

 

Since those guys were all on the court, assuming they didn’t leave a nasty lingerer, they’re out of the fartvestigation. That leaves us with the following suspects, as I am assuming the coaches didn’t cut the fart, since it would ruin their suit pants.

 

nets fart chart 1

 

From here, we can eliminate the following Nets, as they were injured and not near enough to these guys for a fart to cause this reaction.

 

– Brook Lopez
– Kevin Garnett
– Andrei Kirilenko

 

Leaving us with an updated fart chart that looks something like this.

 

nets fart chart 2

 

Now, take a look at this screengrab, because we’re going to use it to rule some people out.

 

nets bench screenshot

 

Some eliminations:

 

– Mason Plumlee: too far away, butt pointing away from the fart zone.
– Deron Williams: too far away, doesn’t seem to be affected by the stench.
– Andray Blatche: unseen, meaning he’s way too far away from the fart zone.

 

Now, I am not entirely willing to rule Marcus Thornton out as the farter, though I don’t really think it was him at this point. Just based on his posture, he could be trying to play it cool while everyone around him smells his horrific toot. I’m not saying it was or wasn’t him, just that we can’t say for sure yet. That leaves us with the following candidates.

 

nets fart chart 3

 

I’ve made my case for why Thornton must be included in this group, while the other three (Livingston, Johnson and Pierce) must be investigated thanks to the “He who smelt it, dealt it” corollary. And that’s where our smoking buns come in. Here is a clip from just seconds before the infamous smelling of the fart GIF, filmed on my phone to give it a little extra Zapruder-ish quality.

 

 

I’m not a lipreader, but Paul Pierce could definitely be saying “You smell that?” right before laughing and covering his nose. And even if he didn’t say that, he definitely did the laugh and nose cover move, which are hallmarks of a man who has farted and is getting a rise from his buddies. This is not a definitive answer by any means, but I am willing to believe it was Paul Pierce who cut the fart seen round the world.

 

However, if you have any other evidence, please leave it in the comments. Until that time though, case closed.

 

(via All Ball)

4 Responses to “Who farted on the Nets’ bench?”

  1. andrewstotle says:

    100% the truth

  2. Sausages says:

    I think you’re right. But can you rule out Shannon Brown, standing right in front of the Nets? Dunno about you, but I fart more when I’m running around then sitting down…

  3. Nicolo Quimbo says:

    Nice one Andrewstotle and Sausages! :-)

  4. Jeff G. says:

    I would say Pierce if he is the ultimate high-fiber man. If not, the question still remains.

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