The Washington Wizards are like a box of sexual chocolates

, on September 30, 2014 , 1:45PM


That’s a real Marcin Gortat quote, which is kind of a perfect way for him to start the season considering he’s one of the league’s best quotes. And honestly, when two teammates show up with two very different but still quite fetching mohawks, I think it’s only natural to call them both different kinds of sexual chocolate.


wittmans sampler


And while these nicknames aren’t new, it got me thinking — what if the entire Wizards team grew mohawks and became a box of sexual chocolates? You know, a Randy Wittman’s Sampler. Thankfully, there’s Photoshop.


A D.C. bar is serving drinks inspired by the Wizards’ starting five

, on May 9, 2014 , 12:25PM

To be honest, I thought there’d be a lot more bamboo in “the Bradley Beal,” or that it would be 64 ounces or something like that. But whatever, as long as The Passenger calls these drinks “elixirs” to keep that magical wizarding theme alive, I’m happy.


Oh by the way, DO NOT order “the Kevin Seraphin.” Rumor has it, that’s where Snakey went. Yuck.


(via Damian Garde)

Marcin Gortat has ‘ripped a lot of towels,’ wants fighting allowed in the NBA

, on March 10, 2014 , 3:00PM


Earlier this season, we saw Marcin Gortat tear a towel in half using nothing but his bare hands and pure brawn. Around the world, people swooned. Because it wasn’t just a simple display of strength, it was also hysterical. It was a once in a lifetime kind of moment, the kind you’re lucky to catch once, let alone ever see again.


Unless you’re Marcin Gortat, of course. With him, it’s a regular occurrence. From ESPN:


Do you remember ripping that towel earlier this season in Toronto?


Yeah, I remember.


Was that your first towel rip?


Oh, naw, that was probably my millionth towel rip. I’ve ripped a lot of towels. Especially sometimes after the game, and we’re about to take showers, and we don’t have any washcloths, so we’re just ripping one towel in little pieces and obviously they’re throwing me towels to rip.


I was just pissed. I remember that game, I was pissed. I was pissed because I missed some easy layups at the basket and I should dunk the ball. Then I miss easy layups, and then I get some dumb calls and bad fouls, and that’s all, I was just pissed. Frustrated.


A million towel rips? ONE MILLION TOWEL RIPS? That’s crazy talk. Not only am I skeptical that one man could rip a towel a million times, I have an even harder time believing that he’d remember every single one of them. Something tells me this is an exaggeration of sorts.


However, having seen him tear a towel like he did against the Raptors, I’m inclined to believe him. It was pretty easy, and it certainly makes sense why he would be the designated towel ripper in the Wizards’ locker room. If he can tear through terry cloth like a 6-year-old on Christmas, then why would anyone waste any of their own time trying to turn a towel in to some washcloths? (Additional question: why do the Wizards sometimes not have washcloths? Odd.)(Additional question about that question: do NBA teams not give visiting teams washcloths? If so, that’s some weird psychological warfare, but I like it.)


Oh also, he’d be cool with the NBA allowing fighting.


Any rule changes that you think would help the NBA game? For instance, sometimes they talk about instituting FIBA goaltending rules in the NBA. Any thoughts on that or any other changes that would help the game play? 


The goaltending? It definitely wouldn’t help. You have too many athletic guys in this league that would tip the ball out of the rim, so pretty much to make a basket you will need to swish it, you know what I’m saying?


I would say I would loosen up a little bit the rules about the fighting fines. That’s what I would loosen up. Because today you go to an ice hockey game, and the one thing they’re waiting for is a fight, you know what I’m saying? So if they could set it up something like that in the NBA. That if there are two guys and they have a problem, if they could just separate everybody. And these two people that have problem, if they could fight …


During the game?


During the game. Quick, 15-20 seconds, throw few punches, then referees jump in and break this thing up. I think the game … these two guys, they resolved their problem. They’re both suspended and they’re leaving. But end of the day, they fix the problem between each other, fans are super excited, and I think that would be a pretty cool idea [chuckles].


You’d need bigger refs. You couldn’t have Dick Bavetta out there.


At some point when the referees jump in, then you’d have to stop. You’d have to stop. So I think that would be a great idea, just like the ice hockey fans waiting for that, that’s would NBA fans would get into as well.


You know, he has a point. If the choice is between goaltending or legalized face-punching, you’re going to want to go with the face-punching. Otherwise, like Gortat says, the game is going to get too ugly, since no one is going to be able to score with all that basket interference. Allowing fights is obviously the way to go if you’re looking to help the NBA. Duh.


Besides, the two angry, gigantic men are totally going to stop when a 60-year-old ref tells them to stop. Fool-proof idea.

Nelly used to walk Bradley Beal to school

, on January 8, 2014 , 9:30AM

bradley beal looking sideways


Just when I thought Bradley Beal wearing No. 23 in college because of LeBron James and not Michael Jordan was the strangest Bradley Beal story I was ever going to hear, Michael Lee of the Washington Post throws another heater:


Most know him as Nelly, platinum-selling rapper and part owner of the Charlotte Bobcats. Bradley Beal also knows him as Cornell Haynes, the family friend who would occasionally walk him to elementary school before hitting it big.


Nelly was a former star athlete at University City High in suburban St. Louis, where Beal’s mother, Besta, was a physical education teacher and athletic director. So, Beal can’t remember the first time he met Nelly, only that it was “ages ago.”


“I knew who we was, but I didn’t know,” Beal said of the now 39-year-old Nelly. “He used to walk me to school sometimes, when I was a little kid. He wasn’t as big as he is now, but he was an up-and-coming rapper and eventually ‘Country Grammar’ came out” in 2000.


I am literally stumped by this. I don’t know if I should feel old that Nelly used to walk a current NBA player to school before he was famous because I remember a time ages ago when Nelly didn’t exist, or if I should just feel old because Nelly turns 40 this year. Or maybe I should just feel confused because Bradley Beal was born in 1993, which means Nelly was walking him to school while presumably writing “Country Grammar” in his head. This is just one of those weird Awesome People Hanging Out Together sort of things, only the ages between the two and when they were famous are so disparate that it’s a little befuddling. It’s like finding out that Mick Jagger used to put Olivia Wilde to bed as a kid – a real head-scratcher.


No word on whether or not the two would knock on the doors of the school while yelling “Bill Gates, Donald Trump, let me in now” upon their arrival, but I’m guessing yes.

Kanye West ranted about Michael Jordan’s Wizards stint during a concert in Chicago

, on December 19, 2013 , 2:35PM


Usually I am only a moderate fan of auto-tuned sing-song kind-of rapping, but then Kanye West comes along and does an auto-tuned rant about Michael Jordan’s ill-fated stint with the Wizards while in the United Center and now I am 100 percent in. In fact, this just might be my all-time favorite Kanye West song, now that I’m really thinking about it. Sorry “Drive Slow,” but when a Chicagoan legit sings something that every Bulls fan has thought at some point, it’s time for a replacement. Those really were the best years of our life, I too believed I could fly and wanted to be like Mike, so this is officially my new favorite song, full stop. Thank you for speak-singing truth to power, Kanye. Realest stuff he’s ever said.


(Original video via Ryan Corazza, SFW up top)

Video: Marcin Gortat makes some reporters sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Martell Webster

, on December 4, 2013 , 3:00PM


I’ll be honest — I didn’t know that today was Martell Webster’s birthday. No offense, but I just don’t really keep track of such things, except for in the cases of Michael Jordan (my due date), Charles Barkley (born the day after my birthday) and LeBron James (LeBorn the same year as me, so it’s fun to chart our collective growth). But now that I do, I’d gladly sing “Happy Birthday” to him if a 6-foot-11 Polish center asked me to. Sure, a lot of that is because you’ll probably get a piece of cake if you’re in the singing group, but still. It’s the gesture that counts.

Video: Shirtless flexing Martell Webster videobombs John Wall interview

, on December 2, 2013 , 4:30PM


I thought videobombing had jumped the shark when Chris Bosh threw a towel at LeBron James, but I was wrong. Then I thought it jumped the shark when Mario Chalmers sprayed stuff on Bosh’s neck, but nope. And then again, I thought it was over when Dwyane Wade did a cartwheel behind LeBron. Basically, there have been signs all season long that videobombing has finally past its prime.


But then I saw Martell Webster flexing his well-earned muscles for way too long, and that’s when I knew it was really done. Because once someone tries this hard and can’t even get a laugh out of a group of reporters or the player they’re videobombing, that’s when you know it has reached its peak and is now on the downswing. And that’s exactly why Martell has to awkwardly skulk off.


So let’s just leave this sort of thing to Chris Bosh. He might not have invented the videobomb, but he’s more than perfected it in the professional sports realm, so just let him have it. Besides, it’s more special if he’s the only one doing it. It’ll be like waiting for a comet to come around, only way more funny and probably with its tongue out.


(via Truth About It)

Video: Kevin Seraphin and Martell Webster dancing together in the bathroom

, on November 15, 2013 , 5:00PM


Have the greatest weekend ever, friends. Probably not as much fun as these two dudes are having, which seems to be the most fun anyone has had, but you should still have the second-most wonderful time. Do the Carlton.


(via CJ Zero)