How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Chris Bosh

, on September 16, 2014 , 11:45AM

 

Hey guys! It’s been a while! Just wanted to say hi now that summer is coming to a close. So, HI!!!

 

Anyways, as you know, summer got off to a bad start. Well, I guess it was still OK since I got to play with my best buds, compete against some other good friends and still come in second, which is technically “the best” according to a famous playground chant (you DO NOT want to come in third, trust me). So that wasn’t totally cool, but I would still say it rates as “pretty cool” in the grand scheme of things. I like to keep things in perspective.

 

Things didn’t really pick up from there, tbh. One of my friends ended up moving back home, kind of unexpectedly, so it was a bit of a bummer to tell him goodbye. I’m going to miss him for sure. It’s always sad when a buddy leaves. Like this guy Adam back in college. He showed up for fall semester and hung out a bunch and was just generally a fun guy who liked to have fun, but then it turned out he had too much fun, so his parents made him come home over Christmas so that he could have a chance to figure some things out. I haven’t heard from him since. Hope he’s doing OK. Hope I don’t lose touch with LeBron (the one that went home over the summer) like that.

 

So yeah, those weren’t my favorite parts of the summer. The past two years had been awesome, with all the smiling and the Taco Bell. This year has just been … different, I guess. I hate to say it, but I haven’t even tried TB’s breakfast yet. I’m usually right on top of their limited edition foods, but I’m slacking for some reason. Like I said, things have changed. Taco Bell just doesn’t seem like the right move right now.

 

But other than those two things (three if you count the no Taco Bell part), I had a great time. Like the best time. I went to a pool, a mountain, a street, a palace, the wild and the beach. ”I went everywhere, man.” — Johnny Cash haha. Seriously though, it was fun. VERY fun. I was making so many funny faces. Hahahaha. So fun. You know I love making faces.

 

 

When vacation was starting to get over, I was excited to get home. It’s always nice to be away, but there’s just something about sleeping in your own bed. Maybe it’s because I’m tall and don’t fit in a lot of beds or maybe it’s just because it’s a lot easier to regulate my home bedroom’s temperature now that I’ve designed, coded and installed my own proprietary temperature control system, but I just always sleep better in the comfort of my own home. Maybe it’s just the feather bed we just got, haha. Who knows? All I’m saying is, it was nice to be home, plus I finally got to finish up on “Bachelor in Paradise,” my favorite summer watch. (Kind of a letdown at the end, was expecting way more drama lol.)

 

I had a lot to do when I got home — start training for the season, go to some awards shows, a whole bunch of other stuff. I was busy busy busy. But the thing I was most excited for and that I spent the most time on? Mr. Nice Tie. Yeah, that’s I right. I designed some ties.

 

 

Me, Chris Bosh! I designed them myself and I even came up with the name, as if you couldn’t guess. (I’m a nice guy, which rhymes with “nice tie,” hence Mr. Nice Tie.) Can you believe it? I’m in the tie game now. And the crazy thing is that people like my nice ties (Mr. Nice Tie’s nice ties, haha) quite a bit. I mean, they let me show them off at Fashion Week (a big week of fashion shows) and I’ve been meeting some really fun fashion people now that I’m going to see these shows.

 

(I don’t mean to take up a bunch of your time talking about my tie business, but there’s one thing that does kind of need explaining. A lot of people are surprised I’m making ties for a couple reasons. One, obviously, is that I’m a basketball player and not a standard tie-maker. Fair enough. I get it. I’m not who you’d expect to design ties, just like I’m not who you’d expect to design and code the entire temperature control system for his own house. I’m no Tommy Hilfiger (or Frederick Brookstone), but I like ties. Which brings me to the second reason people are surprised about my ties, which is that they think it’d be hard to make a good-looking tie for someone with so much tie space. Because between my neck and torso, there is a lot of runway for a tie to fall through. But I just tell people that they’re right, but that I’ve tried A LOT of different ties — bow and standard — and that all that canvas makes for some pretty wild paint experiments. Not to mention, I’ve also coded an algorithm that allows me to determine the perfect ratio of chest to tie with regards to width. It’s just fun and I love the name.)

 

All in all, summer has been so much fun. I’m going to miss my friend, but at least I got to meet some new basketball friends, some new animal friends and some new clothes friends. And that’s the important thing to me, because without your friends and your family, you’re not going to get to smile as much. And trust me, smiling is very important.

 

Best summer ever. Or at least top three!

Chris Bosh

 

P.S. See enclosed pictures.


The Starters at the 2014 Finals: Photobombing with Chris Bosh

, on June 12, 2014 , 9:00AM

 

Sorry, Jamie Kennedy, but you know what they say — out with the punk’d in with the Bosh’d.

 

Enjoy it!


Better pump fake — Dwyane Wade’s two-timer or Gorgui Dieng’s two-for-one?

, on March 27, 2014 , 4:30PM

 

Going to be weird to type this, but last night was a really good night for pump fakes. In fact, as these two videos will attest, it might have been the greatest night I can remember, pump fake-wise.

 

But I’m going to need your help figuring out which of these fakes was the best. Up top, you’ve got Dwyane Wade pulling a Harlem Globetrotters and faking out two Pacers with separate pump fakes before just handing the ball to LeBron James for maybe his easiest basket ever. Down below, you’ve got Gorgui Dieng using a single fake to fool two Hawks, literally the definition of “two birds with one stone,” as far as the NBA goes.

 

 

So let’s hear it — which of these two brilliant fake moves were better? Do you like the hilarity of separate fakes for separate folks or do you prefer the efficient two-for-one fake? I see the merits in both and lean towards Wade, but I can’t wait for your own opinion. Winner takes on Chandler Parsons.

 

(via Reddit)


LeBron James is getting his own Sprite flavor

, on March 19, 2014 , 4:30PM

lebron pop

 

You know when you’ve really made it as an NBA player? It’s not when you get on TV or when you get a shoe deal, it’s not your first 20-point game or a buzzer-beating game-winner — no, my friends, it’s when you finally get your own drink.

 

Michael Jordan did it, 50 Cent did it, Shaq did it, and now LeBron is doing it. From ESPN:

 

Sprite announced on Wednesday that it would be releasing Sprite 6 Mix by LeBron James, a drink that features the traditional lemon-lime flavor with cherry and orange. The drink will be available nationwide for a limited time in 19.2-ounce cans and 20-ounce bottles.

 

“I never imagined I would have my own flavor someday,” James said in a statement. “I had a great time working with the Sprite team to turn my favorite flavors into a pretty cool variation of one of my favorite brands. I’m proud of what we created and I’m excited for my fans to try it.”

 

As a man who will try any Mountain Dew variation under the sun, I’m coming out as officially on board with this. And by that, I mean if I ever see this at a gas station randomly, I will try it, though I haven’t decided if I want to go with the travel size can or the barely-bigger bottle. It’s a tough choice.

 

But yeah, this is a huge look for LeBron. He’s got his own gum, he’s got his own pop, all he needs now is his own main course and sides. Might I recommend the LeBronlette for breakfast, a LBLT with some LeBroccoli and cheese soup for lunch, and a LeBrot roast with steamed LeBroccoli on the side? Seems like a good start, though I’m sure you can figure out something besides broccoli to make in to a LeBron James product.


Video: Chris Andersen gives instant classic postgame interview

, on March 11, 2014 , 3:00PM

 

Crazy thing about this? It’s only the second-best “Between Two Ferns” of the day. You win again, Obama.

 

(via Reddit)


Now all the Heat have championship belts

, on February 26, 2014 , 3:00PM

 

Maybe you thought LeBron James was going to be the only Heater to pick up a title belt, thanks to his brodown with The Rock. Well, think again, baby, because all the Heat have ‘em now. It’s a veritable belt fest down in South Beach.

 

But as per usual, ’twas LeBron James with the assist.

 

 

Sorry, Garth Brooks, but it pays to have friends in high places. Hopefully they put these bad boys on the line by dangling them from the rafters during each and every playoff series. It’s the only sensible thing to do. I mean, Rasheed Wallace had a championship belt a decade ago, so Miami needs to kick things up a notch. Besides, they’ve been known to make a heel turn in the past.


Video: LeBron wows Heat with after-practice dunking extravaganza

, on February 10, 2014 , 4:00PM

 

Hey, just in case you were wondering if LeBron James would still win the dunk contest if he ever entered it, as this video from Sports 360 AZ shows, the answer is most definitely “yes.” So much yes. Like an infinite amount of yes, or like every yes ever uttered in the world added up together. That’s how much he’d win the dunk contest. This is just the latest reminder.


Video: LeBron, Bosh and Michelle Obama videobomb Spoelstra’s healthy eating pitch

, on January 21, 2014 , 9:30AM

 

Not only is this hilarious — and not only is it even more obvious that the President should have used my Chris Bosh videobombing joke — but it finally explains all those apples. So basically, win-win, and also, how do you like those apples? Personally, I like them, though I know not everyone loves fruit.


Two players will wear the same nickname jersey for Friday’s Nets-Heat game

, on January 7, 2014 , 3:00PM

 

When I first saw that Joe Johnson “JJ” jersey on the internet, I was disgusted. The man had a chance to pick almost anything he wanted for the back of his jersey and he went with JJ? With JoeJohn, Joe Cool, Joe Jesus and the Armadillo Cowboy all on the table? Truly shameful.

 

Well, things are about to get even more disappointing, because Joe Johnson won’t even be the only guy in a JJ jersey.

 

 

So you are telling me that these two teams have been given an almost unprecedented chance to choose exactly what goes on the back of their jerseys and both James Jones and Joe Johnson couldn’t come up with anything better than JJ? I know not everybody in the league has nicknames and that it is pretty commonplace for guys to pick their initials – Chris Bosh and Udonis Haslem are doing it too – but it just seems too easy, especially in Johnson’s case, when he has some widely-known nicknames to choose from. Not to mention, there are legitimately three guys who go by JJ playing in the league right now (Redick, Hickson and Barea), which kind of makes this like wearing “Tyler” for a nickname.

 

But whatever, it’s just nickname jerseys we’re talking about here. (If you want the full list of Heat nicknames, check out the South Florida Sun-Sentinel.) And if these guys are OK with having the same nickname as their opponent, then it’s fine by me. Sure, “Armadillo Cowboy” and “The James Jones That Won the 3-Point Contest That One Time” would have been better, but giving yourself a nickname is gauche anyways, so it’s a real Catch-22 (which would also a better nickname for James Jones, so forget I said anything).


Ben McLemore is already getting jump shot compliments from Ray Allen

, on January 2, 2014 , 4:45PM

ben mclemore ray allen jumpers

 

One of the best things about the NBA getting simultaneously younger and older — which is happening because players are able to have longer careers, and no one waits four years before entering the draft — is that a bunch of today’s young stars get to play with and against their childhood heroes. And while that can lead to tragicomic instances like being dunked on by a favorite player, it also means there are certain times when one of the league’s elders gets to speaking about a young player in some particularly glowing terms.

 

That’s exactly what happened to Kings rookie Ben McLemore, who might have received the greatest compliment in modern NBA history. From Cowbell Kingdom:

 

He’s a jump shooter, first and foremost. He looks like, I haven’t seen him a lot, but every shot he takes, it seems like he duplicates the first one to the next one to the one after that. He stays consistent in how he puts the ball in the air. He has great athleticism, and he uses it on his jump shot and most players now in the NBA don’t do that.

 

I can’t imagine there are many better endorsements in the league right now than Ray Allen bigging up your jumper. That’d be like Ronald Reagan expressing admiration for your public speaking skills or Kevin Bacon admiring your ability to appear in every movie ever made — it really means something when it comes from one of the best to ever do it.

 

Now, to live up to these kind words, all Ben McLemore has to do is play another 16 seasons, raise his three-point accuracy five percentage points while doing so, break all kinds of records, credibly appear in a major motion picture, shave his head right when it becomes time to shave his head, always look like he’s snarling even though he’s generally happy, and win two titles while also making one of the most clutch three-pointers in league history to save a championship season. Simple stuff.