The Washington Wizards are like a box of sexual chocolates

, on September 30, 2014, 1:45PM


That’s a real Marcin Gortat quote, which is kind of a perfect way for him to start the season considering he’s one of the league’s best quotes. And honestly, when two teammates show up with two very different but still quite fetching mohawks, I think it’s only natural to call them both different kinds of sexual chocolate.


wittmans sampler


And while these nicknames aren’t new, it got me thinking — what if the entire Wizards team grew mohawks and became a box of sexual chocolates? You know, a Randy Wittman’s Sampler. Thankfully, there’s Photoshop.


How I Spent My Summer Vacation: J.R. Smith

, on September 29, 2014, 12:30PM

jr smith profile


As y’all know, things went bad for us last year. Everybody got hurt, we didn’t make the playoffs, Steve Kerr didn’t want to be our coach and I got in a bunch of trouble for untying some shoelaces. I’m no stranger to trouble, but I think we can all agree that something needed to change coming back this year. Major changes.


And that’s why I spent my summer working on two specific things:


1) Stepping my golf game up;

2) Figuring out how to untie shoelaces without getting in trouble, cause y’all know I love untying shoelaces.


These kind of go hand in hand, to be honest. Untying shoes costs a lot of money for some reason, then you got mad green fees when you’re hitting the links like I do, so if I can save some money while untying laces that’s a double-win for ya boy.


And yo, I think I figured it out.


shoe untier rube goldberg


So you open a window, let a kite catch a breeze, which pulls a string and releases moths, which then eat a flannel shirt (very on trend, I also went to Fashion Week). As them moths keep eating the shirt, it weighs less and less, which means the shoe it is attached to (not the one we’re untying FYI) turns on a switch that starts heating an iron. Eventually, that iron will burn a hole in some pants, and then the smoke from the pants will enter a tree, driving an opossum out because they hate smoke. If it doesn’t play dead, it’ll jump in to a basket, which will pull a rope and lift a cage that will release a woodpecker who will go to work chewing on a pencil until it breaks, which will yank on a knife that slices whoever’s shoelace I’ve secretly attached it to.


It’s a foolproof plan. Not only will it be pretty effective, I get to keep a distance from the actual act which means I should be safe from the fines, which means I should be good to go on the greens. I’m still kinda working out how to get some moths and a woodpecker to hang out at Madison Square Garden, but I seen some bats hanging around some games so it should be fine.



The Mavericks’ new alternate uniforms, mathematicsized

, on September 24, 2014, 2:25PM

mavericks uniform math


After the Bobcats borrowed the Mavericks’ uni template for their last look ever, I guess it’s only fair that the Mavericks be allowed to co-opt another franchise’s signature design. Because when I look at Dallas’ new alternate uniforms, all I see is a Mavericks jersey that is supposed to look like a Nuggets jersey that is supposed to look like another Nuggets jerseys. Just feels weird to me, like when you see someone wearing a Michael Jordan Bullets jersey.


But on the other hand, anything that’s not template-y swaths of color that could belong to any team is good by me.



Yeah, the Mavericks new alternate unis look like they were designed by an Internet list of best modern retro jerseys, at least they’re something that’s a bit out there, which has always been the case in recent Mavs history even if things didn’t always pay off.


For a city as vibrant as New Orleans, and with the colors that are always associated with the city, a plain red jersey shouldn’t happen. But that’s what we get for everyone complaining about those supremely dope two-toned Mardi Gras kits the team used to wear when they were still the Hornets. If only we had known how good we had it.

Other brothers for the Phoenix Suns to consider

, on September 23, 2014, 12:15PM

morris twins


One of the most unexplained phenomena in NBA history regards the Phoenix Suns and their predilection towards acquiring brothers. To wit:


  • – Only twice in league history have twin brothers suited up for the same team — the Van Arsdales (Dick and Tom) played together for the Suns during the 1976-77, and the Morris twins (Marcus and Markieff) play together for the Suns now.
  • – The Suns drafted Brook Lopez’s brother, Robin, in 2008. Then they picked Blake Griffin’s brother, Taylor, in 2009 (they’re the only team he ever played for), leading me to author this legendary post.
  • – Eddie House played for the Suns, and he’s Mike Bibby’s brother-in-law, which isn’t really the same thing but feels worth mentioning because that’s always a fun Thanksgiving to imagine.
  • – Reports now suggest that Phoenix is in the lead to sign Slovenian international Zoran Dragic, brother of Goran Dragic (obviously), who plays for the Suns.


As you can see, the Suns have always been in to brothers, and that’s without mentioning the fact that they employed the D’Antoni brothers as coaches for quite some time. Maybe they’re strong believers in bloodlines, easy to assume since they were steered through their renaissance by the father-and-son Colangelo duo, or maybe they just try to ignore the brother thing and evaluate each player in their own individual manner. Or maybe they’ve just been trying to unlock brother superpowers that we’ve never really seen in the NBA, but which might have shown themselves in the way the Morris twins were average players when playing for different teams and then improved dramatically once they joined forces. Or maybe they’re really in to wordplay, so they are trying to acquire “sons” (multiple) because they’re called the Suns. Sure, a homonym joke seems a little inconsequential to a front office’s decision-making process, but then you look at their floor and are forced to reconsider your position. I’m not here to tell you why they do it, just that they do.



How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Tim Duncan

, on September 22, 2014, 1:00PM

tim duncan is boring


How did I what? Spend my summer vacation?


(long sigh) OK, fine.


Reading. Grilling. Swimming. Taking walks. Working on cars. Installed a new OS. Got my hands on some new Punisher comics. Jogging. Went to a Jimmy Buffett concert. Bought some Tommy Bahama shirts. Actually wore them to the concert, but I’m sure you guessed that.


Ummm … anything else? (long pause) I’m thinking.


Sealed the blacktop in my driveway. Grew some peppers. Started watching “The Big Bang Theory” from the first episode, finishing the last season this week so I’ll be caught up for the new episodes. Bought some stationary.


(sighs) I don’t know. Just boring stuff.


Why are we doing this again? No one cares what I did.

Video: Ravens and Browns trade LeBron celebrations in Cleveland

, on September 22, 2014, 10:25AM


Want further proof that Cleveland has inexplicably become the nexus of American sports? Then let me offer two franchises, both of whom have been based in Cleveland at some point, using prodigal son LeBron James’ two most notable celebrations against each other during a football game in Cleveland, where a certain Jonathan Football, who is signed to James’ marketing agency, was watching from the sidelines.



Sure, the Browns lost, but those two clips should serve as quality evidence that Cleveland is back. But if not, then maybe we can hire Drew Carey to write a song for the Presidents of the United States of America to play during the Black Keys’ induction in to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. If that doesn’t do the trick, I’m out of suggestions.


(via For the Win)

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: The BrooklyKnight

, on September 17, 2014, 1:45PM

brooklynknight black and white


It was cold. Even in the summer.


Just how I like it.


Shadows. Gloom. The clinking of chains, pushed in to action by the ghosts of anger past. Fueling me, fueling that tiny pit in my stomach — the one you notice right before everything crashes down.


Just how I like it.


All those things that make you sick to your stomach. Physically ill, desperate for sleep but wide awake. That’s where I live. Right on the edge, right where you can feel the nausea and fury burbling inside, that’s where I spent my summer.


Just how I like it.


And now there’s nothing. Nobody. No me. No you. No children shrieking in their seats, staring me in the hollow, dead eyes trying to understand where I come from. Where I live.


Without darkness, how can there be light? Without depression, how can there be elation? Without the worst, how can something be the best?


At least I have my heart of darkness to keep me warm.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Chris Bosh

, on September 16, 2014, 11:45AM


Hey guys! It’s been a while! Just wanted to say hi now that summer is coming to a close. So, HI!!!


Anyways, as you know, summer got off to a bad start. Well, I guess it was still OK since I got to play with my best buds, compete against some other good friends and still come in second, which is technically “the best” according to a famous playground chant (you DO NOT want to come in third, trust me). So that wasn’t totally cool, but I would still say it rates as “pretty cool” in the grand scheme of things. I like to keep things in perspective.


Things didn’t really pick up from there, tbh. One of my friends ended up moving back home, kind of unexpectedly, so it was a bit of a bummer to tell him goodbye. I’m going to miss him for sure. It’s always sad when a buddy leaves. Like this guy Adam back in college. He showed up for fall semester and hung out a bunch and was just generally a fun guy who liked to have fun, but then it turned out he had too much fun, so his parents made him come home over Christmas so that he could have a chance to figure some things out. I haven’t heard from him since. Hope he’s doing OK. Hope I don’t lose touch with LeBron (the one that went home over the summer) like that.


So yeah, those weren’t my favorite parts of the summer. The past two years had been awesome, with all the smiling and the Taco Bell. This year has just been … different, I guess. I hate to say it, but I haven’t even tried TB’s breakfast yet. I’m usually right on top of their limited edition foods, but I’m slacking for some reason. Like I said, things have changed. Taco Bell just doesn’t seem like the right move right now.


But other than those two things (three if you count the no Taco Bell part), I had a great time. Like the best time. I went to a pool, a mountain, a street, a palace, the wild and the beach. ”I went everywhere, man.” — Johnny Cash haha. Seriously though, it was fun. VERY fun. I was making so many funny faces. Hahahaha. So fun. You know I love making faces.



When vacation was starting to get over, I was excited to get home. It’s always nice to be away, but there’s just something about sleeping in your own bed. Maybe it’s because I’m tall and don’t fit in a lot of beds or maybe it’s just because it’s a lot easier to regulate my home bedroom’s temperature now that I’ve designed, coded and installed my own proprietary temperature control system, but I just always sleep better in the comfort of my own home. Maybe it’s just the feather bed we just got, haha. Who knows? All I’m saying is, it was nice to be home, plus I finally got to finish up on “Bachelor in Paradise,” my favorite summer watch. (Kind of a letdown at the end, was expecting way more drama lol.)


I had a lot to do when I got home — start training for the season, go to some awards shows, a whole bunch of other stuff. I was busy busy busy. But the thing I was most excited for and that I spent the most time on? Mr. Nice Tie. Yeah, that’s I right. I designed some ties.



Me, Chris Bosh! I designed them myself and I even came up with the name, as if you couldn’t guess. (I’m a nice guy, which rhymes with “nice tie,” hence Mr. Nice Tie.) Can you believe it? I’m in the tie game now. And the crazy thing is that people like my nice ties (Mr. Nice Tie’s nice ties, haha) quite a bit. I mean, they let me show them off at Fashion Week (a big week of fashion shows) and I’ve been meeting some really fun fashion people now that I’m going to see these shows.


(I don’t mean to take up a bunch of your time talking about my tie business, but there’s one thing that does kind of need explaining. A lot of people are surprised I’m making ties for a couple reasons. One, obviously, is that I’m a basketball player and not a standard tie-maker. Fair enough. I get it. I’m not who you’d expect to design ties, just like I’m not who you’d expect to design and code the entire temperature control system for his own house. I’m no Tommy Hilfiger (or Frederick Brookstone), but I like ties. Which brings me to the second reason people are surprised about my ties, which is that they think it’d be hard to make a good-looking tie for someone with so much tie space. Because between my neck and torso, there is a lot of runway for a tie to fall through. But I just tell people that they’re right, but that I’ve tried A LOT of different ties — bow and standard — and that all that canvas makes for some pretty wild paint experiments. Not to mention, I’ve also coded an algorithm that allows me to determine the perfect ratio of chest to tie with regards to width. It’s just fun and I love the name.)


All in all, summer has been so much fun. I’m going to miss my friend, but at least I got to meet some new basketball friends, some new animal friends and some new clothes friends. And that’s the important thing to me, because without your friends and your family, you’re not going to get to smile as much. And trust me, smiling is very important.


Best summer ever. Or at least top three!

Chris Bosh


P.S. See enclosed pictures.

Happy anniversary, Swaggy and Iggy!

, on September 15, 2014, 10:20AM


It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating Nick Young taking Iggy Azalea to Target for their first-ever date, assumedly shopping for up & up cleaning supplies, Archer Farms snickle-snackles and designer clothing collaborations for affordable prices. But apparently, it was a year ago, so now we can celebrate them again and everything’s AG.


So yes, it’s been a year with these two as our NBA power couple. You can keep your Dwabriels and your CaLas and whoever else has an easily combinable name — I’ll take the shoot-everything self-professed best dresser in the league meets Australian who raps in a Brooklyn accent any day of the week. They’re so fancy. You already know.

Programming note: Quick hiatus

, on July 24, 2014, 8:30AM

jason kapono beach


After an NBA season, the playoffs, the Finals, the draft, free agency and a trip to Las Vegas for Samsung Summer League, we’re taking a break for a bit. You’ll see us around the Hall of Fame inductions, then we’ll be back for the medal round of the FIBA World Cup, but until then The Starters will be enjoying the rest of their summer and recharging those metaphorical batteries you always hear about.


Stay tuned. Next season is less than a hundred days away.