By now you have heard the news — Steve Nash is an old man and he hurt his back carrying bags at practice. Really.
Nash hurt his back carrying bags today, Byron Scott said. Did not practice. Wouldn’t count on him playing Thursday vs. Utah.
— Mike Bresnahan (@Mike_Bresnahan) October 15, 2014
You may be thinking that 40 years old isn’t that old, and I’d totally agree with you. But on the other hand, look at every other player 40 years or older who has played in the NBA recently and you’ll see that it’s been more than a decade since someone had a successful season whilst being at least 40 years old. And that’s without being Steve Nash, who has been having back problems for basically as long as I can remember.
As such, here is a quick guide to help Steve Nash avoid hurting his back any more by doing things that would be OK for a younger man.
– Don’t try to carry a non-flatscreen TV up and down the stairs, even if there aren’t that many stairs. Those old TVs are super heavy, and though his old man strength (the strength you randomly acquire throughout life until you are somehow able to carry bulky furniture all by yourself) will surely kick in to make this do-able, I just wouldn’t recommend it because the angles are very awkward. And as we all know, awkward angles lead to hurty backs.
– Find someone else to mow the lawn. Also saves you a sunburn.
– When you go out to a yacht rock concert, try to keep your dancing to a minimum. It’s going to be tough when you hear “Easy Lover” and “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” but the long term benefit of not dancing with wild abandon is playing (at least) another 10 games during the regular season. I don’t know how scientists figured out this corollary, but that’s why they’re scientists and I am not.
– Sit down to fold laundry. A lot of people like to stand while they’re folding because clothes can get pretty long, but if you stay seated you can just chill and get your clothes folded. It doesn’t have to be a big production.
– Don’t jump off any roofs. This is good advice in general, but there are times when you’re on a pretty low rooftop deck, then you look over and think, “That’s not a far drop, I could jump this.” Maybe you could, but it’s going to hurt your back, so just don’t.
– No shoveling the driveway. Probably pretty easy to do in Los Angeles.
Now obviously there are a bunch of other things Steve Nash could do to save his back, from heating up a sock filled with rice in the microwave and putting it on his back to freezing a bag of peas and putting it on his back. In fact, there are thousands of foods you can put on your back to make it feel better. But that’s after your back is killing you, which is why he needs to avoid these basic, every day things in order to preserve his body.
Either that or find a rookie to carry his bags. I kind of thought that was the whole point of rookies.
If you’ve been following The Starters since our TBJ days, then you know we’ve always had a soft, salty spot in our hearts for Jose Calderon, the Raptors’ all-time leading assist man and the only person in the league who I am aware of that owns a ham farm in Spain. And if you’ve been paying close attention to all our ham farm mentions, then the fact that Jose Calderon hates all those ham farm mentions should come as no surprise.
We finally found someone Jose Calderon, perhaps the nicest man in the entire NBA is a little cross with — whoever wrote in the Raptors media guide long ago that Calderon was a dedicated pig farmer.
Calderon spent a few minutes prior to Monday’s pre-season game, his first at Madison Square Garden as a member of the Knicks, playing down talk that he is some sort of pig farming kingpin who is heavily involved in the process.
“I’m just part of that business, I’ve just got my brand,” Calderon said with a laugh, dispelling any rumours he spends his spare time in the mud with swine.
“We just buy some ham for farmers. You sell that, it’s not like we’re huge, big, I don’t have pigs. I don’t know who did that at the beginning, that media guide,” he said.
OK, fair enough. If he doesn’t own pigs, then I guess he isn’t technically a ham farmer. Sure, he did a commercial with Sprint last year talking about Spanish ham and which soil is the best in all of Spain for ham pigs, so he seems to be a bit more involved than he’s letting on (not to mention, the fact he knows their diet and its effects). At the very least, it seems like Jose Calderon is really trying to put his delicious ham farm behind him.
Not so fast, says Dwane Casey.
Raptors head coach Dwane Casey has made no secret of his fondness for Calderon: “He’s one of those guys you remember (when you are done coaching),” Casey said.
“He’s one of the most beautiful leaders I’ve ever been around. Jose is great, he’s a beautiful man. Very knowledgeable, I always tease him, does he want to get into coaching, and hopefully he’s smart and doesn’t do that, stay with his pig business over in Spain and raise his family.”
Right around that time, Calderon walked by and interrupted Casey’s media scrum for a hug.
“I was just telling them what a great pig farmer you are,” Casey said, keeping that narrative going.
Hahahahahaha. You know what they say — once a ham farmer in a media guide, always a ham farmer.
Important news re: memes, my friends.
Westbrook was asked if he’d seen the meme of him eyeing the MVP trophy: “I don’t know what memes is.”
— Royce Young (@royceyoung) October 13, 2014
This. Will. Not. Stand.
So as one of the basketball internet’s foremost experts on memes, here’s a quick refresher course for Russell Westbrook on some popular memes.
A very popular Twitter meme (and also a Prince song), #ThisCouldBeUsButYouPlayin shows ill-fated relationship scenarios between two compatible people. You know, like when two fashion-forward superstar guards come up with the same team, but one gets traded because of money.
An extension of the standard Doge meme, Fashion Doge allows fancy dogs to show off their finest wares, like a bowtie AND suspenders AND clear glasses AND a fedora. All at once. Wow. Much influence.
Do You Even Lift Bro?
A Starters office classic, Do You Even Lift Bro? shows a small, fit dude asking an obviously jacked dude if they lift weights, leading to the meathead getting very upset about being accused of being small.
Not Sure If…
Not Sure If… is the perfect meme for when you’re pretty confused by what’s going on. For instance, if a reporter asks you a question that doesn’t makes sense and you really want to ridicule them, hit them with the side-eye to make them feel like a total idiot.
Booty Had Me Like
Find a picture of two people next to each other, hashtag it #TrueDetectiveSeason2 and you’ve made a meme. It helps if the two people are both striking double-teapots and it would be hilarious to imagine them solving crimes.
Because Russell Westbrook is grumpy and a cat.
These are just a few of the at least 100 memes out there, but this is just a quick primer so that Russell Westbrook can know what memes are. Now that he’s got some background, the next step in his meme education is creating memes. I’ll be waiting for a call.
It’s hard to say if this 12-year-old kid is going to be an NBA player someday, but considering he’s “already better” than Chandler Parsons, I wouldn’t be surprised. I mean, he’s got the fadeaway, the free throw, the Manu Ginobili behind the back, the immaculate staredown face:
So basically, he has it all, Monta Ellis style. Seven years from now, Chandler Parsons better watch out.
The NBA Global Games tipped off earlier this week, with the Spurs losing their world championship belt to Alba Berlin on a buzzer-beater in a game that was actually hotly contested. As such, the team was in Germany with a little time to explore Berlin. And that’s when our pal, Matt Bonner, did what any NBA player would do — throw on some cords and hit the streets for some frolicking.
Now, from careful research, it appears Bonner was lucky enough to enjoy two separate frolics: a street frolic and a water frolic. The details of these two frolics follow.
The Street Frolic
Attire: Navy crewneck, brown corduroys, some grey and red adidas that I’m pretty sure say “Red Mamba” on them, bike helmet (for safety).
Activities: Biking, posing on bike, signing autographs, stopping in the park to eat a sandwich.
The Water Frolic
Attire: Black crewneck, grey Spurs pants, those same “Red Mamba” adidas, sailor hat (for laughs).
Activities: Strolling, gazing, listening to Yacht Rock playlists, yelling “Land Ho!” a bunch, sandwiches at sea.
What can we learn from these two frolics? Well, for one, it’s always important to have the right headwear when you’re frolicking. Sometimes you’re going for safety, sometimes you’re going for style. Either way, make sure to cover your head.
And secondly is the Joey Tribbiani Rule: it’s never a bad idea to pack a sandwich, because you never know when you’re going to need it. Take care of those two things and you’re good to go, even if you are 6-foot-10 NBA player.
For reasons that will eventually come apparent, earlier today I was looking for a picture of Manu Ginobili with his right shoulder a little bit towards the camera but still facing straight ahead. I’ve been in the blog game for a minute now, so I did what I always do when I’m trying to find a head for a Photoshop — pop in to the Getty Images database and search for the player’s Media Day pictures. And that’s when I discovered it.
Manu Ginobili is not an ambiturner. He’s a uniturner.
As if you need it, a quick refresher course on the ambiturner.
So yes, a uniturner (the opposite of an ambiturner) is a person who can only turn one direction. Just like Zoolander, Manu only turns right, always pushing his left shoulder forward for Media Day headshots.
I already know what you’re thinking — we’ve seen Manu Ginobili do all kinds of wobbly leg spinnish style moves going both ways for a long time, bro. That’s true, but further investigations have shown that “uniturning” only affects the afflicted during modeling sessions. Maybe it’s a psychological thing, maybe it’s a “this is my good side” thing. Beats me, but I didn’t get in to medical school.
But what I did get in to, as I mentioned earlier, was the Getty Images database and that’s where I made my discovery. I’m now going to show you every slightly-turned headshot image in the entire gallery available to my subscription along with links back to the source images so that you can see it’s true.
I don’t really consider myself a “hater” or someone who holds grudges, but this post is going to tell you all about some teams I’ve hated and held grudges against. We’re all humans and we all contain multitudes, so sunglasses deal with it. Besides, if you’ve spent a couple decades as a Bulls fan, you probably feel the same way.
As such, here are the teams I can remember hating, in chronological order, since I’ve become a basketball fan.
1988-91 Detroit Pistons
Level of hate (1-10): 4
Reasons for hating: To be totally honest, I was a little too young (just four years old in 1988) to really hate the Pistons when them and the Bulls were beefing at the end of the 80s. This is more of a built-in hate that every Bulls fan with a Bulls fan dad has, and one that only grows the more you learn about the Bad Boy Pistons. Unfortunately for them, there are books and documentaries and TV specials that detail how they thugged out constantly, so you’re reminded time and time again about how detestable they were. And really, that’s the true mark of a villain — an ability to make people hate them even after they’ve gone away. So yeah, I hated the Pistons, but only because how could you not?
You want maturity from DeMarcus Cousin? How’s this for maturity.
[Reggie] Evans took to Instagram on Tuesday to keep the pressure on Cousins, posting a picture of a sign in Cousins’ locker that read “5 Technical,” as in technical fouls, for the 2014-15 season.
Cousins has been among the league leaders in technical fouls since entering the league and missed the season finale last season after picking up his 16th of the season.
“In order for me to be a better leader, I can’t be getting ejected, getting these technicals,” Cousins said. “Without me on the floor, it’s hard for this team to win games. (Evans) challenged me and told me no more than five this year, so I’m accepting the challenge.”
This is going to be a fascinating thing to track all season. Is it possible for DeMarcus Cousins to turn in a five-tech season when he’s never had fewer than 12 in a year? If he goes over five, will the Kings fine him in a kangaroo court? Is the key to DeMarcus Cousins being widely accepted as an NBA superstar simply getting less technicals? Will he still get to wear hilarious hats?
I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, but I do know it’s going to be awesome watching DMC trying to do his best to not get technicals this season. It’ll be like watching a dad on a road trip trying to deal with his kids asking him questions from the back seat for hours upon hours, until he finally has to pull over and “go for a walk.” Seems to me there might be a lot of pent-up tension this season, and that only leads to fireworks. Can’t wait.
(via Tom Ziller)